and its a long way forward, so trust in me
ill give them shelter, like youve done for me

content warning: negativity, loneliness with a dash of depresso to go with the espresso

today, i feel like revealing a bit more about myself. a tiny bit of insight into my mind.

i feel lonely, and even though i say it all the time, i really feel it tonight.

i feel empty.

i am surrounded by family in this house, but today i am completely by myself. as i write this, i am resisting a small urge to open the cursed face-site.
normally you hear happy stories about this, and how nice people feel. stuff like that will not happen to me. i will fall asleep, and feel empty on the inside when i wake up.

go and be social.

today is the day my lack of social skills reflects back at me.
like a sucker-punch to the gut.

why dont you go out and make some friends, vala?"
"you are always sitting here alone, go out and meet someone. why dont you call someone and make some plans?"

i avoid those questions like the plague. my parents know the answer to both those questions, yet they still ask.

i am not okay (i promise).

i am truly, not okay. i am too bad of a liar to convince myself that everything is fine. because it isnt. i have met three people i know since i moved back home. one of them just happened to be with kouka when i was to meet them. i want to meet more. they are just not living here anymore. kouka happens to still be here, but that is about it. my established and safe friendships are not so safe anymore. maybe i have grown too far away from them, or it might be the fact that i was living somewhere else for the past 1.5 years. whatever it is, i am at a point where my list of friends i can contact about anything consists of 1 name.

my social life is non-existent.

there. i said it out loud. i have no idea how to make new friends. i have always relied on others as a way to get to know more people. now i am stuck without even the basic skillset to form friendship with strangers in the offline world. this was the reason “vala” was created. it was supposed to be a mask for me to hide behind, to roleplay a confident internet citizen without too many worries. that project failed miserably. i am simply too bad at keeping my true self in check when posting under new names. i have gotten to know people on the fedi, but my insecure and sad-ass is shining through.

can you see me?

can you see me, here i sit with a tiny bottle of bitter?
all alone in the dark.
the only light is that of my monitors as i type this post.
the white text on dark gray background gets reflected in my eyes like streetlights in the distance.
if my eyes shine at all. it has been a while since i felt truly alive.

the purpose of this post.

there is an ulterior motive behind this post.
i am selfish. crave acknowledgment that i mean something to someone. it is hard to get acknowledged by people in the offline world.
they come and go out of my life like the ever-changing stream of bodies in the queue of a fast-food joint. i am taking the orders, but the pressure is really hard at the moment. i sense that someone who ordered a little while ago still have not recieved their order and are now leaving.
to find a new place to order.

can you see me?
if so, can you confirm that this is me? am i really this pathetic?
how can i make them stay, as they move away?


contact someone if you know they are lonely.

this post might be a bit too much, so i will keep my complaints to myself for sometime in the near future.

happy birthday to 21 year old me...

whats another night all alone
when you are spending every day on your own…